Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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