Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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