I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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