got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
