So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
