I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
