As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
