He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
