I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
