you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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