so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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