he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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