I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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