this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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