I wish I only lived at night.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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