Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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