someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
