she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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