Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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