I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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