There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
