i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
