Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
