I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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