It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
