I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
