And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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