we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
