If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
