The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
