Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
