Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
