Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
