I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
