BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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