This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
