I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Non-Jews are for practice
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
