If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
