this just has baby written all over it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
