So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
