His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
