Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
