Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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