I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
