Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
