I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
