On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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