I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
