I think my fart just growled at me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
