god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
